Known Plaintext

There’s a Ford dealership nearby where I work. My co-worker Greg recommends it highly. I called them to ask if they had a 2012 Mustang V6 coupe with 100A trim in stock. Will, the salesguy, affirmed they did. I asked Will if he was certain they did, because I was tired of having my chain yanked. He hemmed and hawed for a moment, and I thought maybe he was stalling for time. Turns out he was walking out onto the lot. “I’m looking at it right now. It’s one of our display models.” Pause, beat beat: “You want the VIN?”

I was out there in thirty minutes to check out another Black Horse. As I pulled in, I almost hit a dark charcoal Mustang that someone had parked in an inconvenient location. I scowled and looked at this car for a moment: it had a great body but clearly somebody had abused the crap out of it because its front tires were out of alignment. Meh. Lousy cars in the lot are a fact of life: every lot has ’em.

I was about to sign on the 2012 when suddenly something hit me: why are misaligned front wheels on a car that’s in superb condition otherwise? It didn’t make sense: and when I see things that don’t make sense, I try to look twice. I might not understand it on a second look, but I might find something interesting, too. So I asked Will about it.

“Uh — I don’t know, really. Trade-in for a new 2012 Mustang GT 5.0.” Wait, this guy got rid of a 2007 Mustang GT 5.0 for a 2012 Mustang GT 5.0? “Yeah. Must’ve wanted the new engine, I guess.” How much do you want for it? — Will named a price that was surprisingly low. I said I wanted to look at it, and Will didn’t need a reminder: he grabbed the keys and we went out there.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as my friend AJ will tell you I am nothing close to a dedicated gearhead. What I do have, though, is a sense of some of these things are not like the others, which is … occasionally useful. Like, say, here.

On closer inspection, I noticed the body was in superb condition: were it not for a couple of minor stone chips on the front and a faint scratch on the right rear bumper, it could pass for new. And I also noticed that yes, I was right, the front wheels were out of alignment…

… symmetrically. Both wheels had the exact same tilt to them, such that the bases were just a bit wider than they should be. So it wasn’t a misalignment at all: when wheels go out of alignment, they don’t do it in sync. Those wheels were mounted that way, presumably for a reason.

Will popped the hood for me and I looked beneath. I saw an engine I didn’t understand, along with an air intake that was clearly, obviously, aftermarket kit. So, now we have wheels that are mounted a particular way for a reason, even if I don’t know what it is… we have an engine that has obvious aftermarket kit attached to it… and a vehicle in superb condition otherwise.

I closed the hood, didn’t point any of this out to Will, and asked for a test drive. I under a mile I knew this vehicle belonged on a used car lot like a thoroughbred belongs in a glue factory. Will and I took it back to the lot, and I had to make a decision: roll the dice on a car that I only had a good feeling about, or take the sure thing of a Mustang that would be adequately good but not an enormously thrilling ride?

I rolled the dice.

I drove it off the lot, drove it to tea with R—, then down to Virginia to have my friend AJ take a look at it. AJ is a bit of a shade-tree mechanic, but that’s not why I wanted him: AJ is a fiend for aftermarket kit. To him, engines come in two varieties: those that have been heavily customized and those that are screaming for heavy customization. To see whether I was on the right track with my hunch or not, I waved the new Mustang beneath his nose.

On his first real experience with the Mustang, AJ said he was getting “a fizzy feeling in the gentlemanly parts,” quoting Jeremy Clarkson I believe. By the time he was finished it had been upgraded to a full-body champagne feeling. On his brief examination he noted the following modifications:

• K&N-style cold air intake
• Negatively-cambered wheels
• Pirelli racing tires: not street tires, but ones specifically designed for extended time at high velocity
• Headers replaced with Ford Racing headers
• Exhaust by Flowmaster

… and more that I’m certainly missing. I asked him if he thought it was worth what I paid for it, and for a while his only response was to glower at me. “I hate you. Buy a lottery ticket, today’s your day. That’s about what I’d expect for a good-quality 2007 Mustang GT, not a pristine one with two thousand of kit attached to it.” A pause, and then: “Incidentally, you know this vehicle isn’t legal in California, right?” Huh? What?

AJ laughed. “Not even close. The exhaust alone would get it disqualified.” And that sent the two of us off to Hard Times Café for some late night bar nachos, drinks, and talk about the new wheels.

So, yeah. That’s the vehicle. I need to find a good name for it, something appropriate. Right now I’m leaning towards The Car With No Name, ala spaghetti Westerns, but I don’t know. I haven’t made any final decisions yet.